I was never young.
Erika. College student. Obsessed with giraffes.
Be enlightened by my life.
Be enlightened by my life.
This is my life.
I find someone who just DOES IT.
Even if it’s stupid.
Even if it’s pointless.
Even if other people stare.
Maybe those are the reasons why you should do it.
You can try to make me behave.
You can try to make me be mature.
You can try to make me be practical.
You can try to make me give in.
But tell me, if I was just like you,
would you still love me?
It’s all becoming too overwhelming.
And I don’t feel stable.
It’s like everything is slipping through my fingers, and I just don’t know how to handle it. It’s a struggle for me to go through each day pretending like I have it all together.
Nick came over this week and talked with me about how I’m handling everything.
I ended up snapping at him and ending the conversation quickly.
The day before, I had ran the shower and let the bathroom fill up with steam while I sat on the cold tile floor sobbing.
Sobbing might be an understatement.
I have a problem. I know I do.
But I’m too ashamed and proud to admit it.
I can handle it. I can deal with it. I’m above it all.
but I enjoy it, nonetheless.
The other night, my boyfriend and I spent the entire night together and alone.
We showered together, laughed, tickled, made love, cooked, listening to music, and made more love.
As we were laying in bed, I thought ‘God, this is how it should be all the time!’
But it’s not. There’s struggle, stress, and the thought of the future that, whether we want to admit it or not,
we’re worried.
Well, maybe I’m just hoping he’s worried.
I’m worried.
I had a severe panic attack.
Which, in my opinion, is more embarrassing than it is actually scary.
I kind of gave up on this one.
I let it consume me.
I would have never guessed that I would grow into who I am now.
I lie to people I love. I manipulate people I care for.
I do bad things.
The part I sometimes can’t believe, is that I can still look in the mirror before I head out the door and think I’m the same girl I was five years ago.
A medal for your how much smarter you are.
A medal for how much more mature you are.
A medal for always being a good person.
A medal for having so much more on your plate than everyone else.
A medal for fighting the whole world that’s against you.
A medal for not being a piece of trash like everyone else.
A medal for being fake.
A medal for blending in.
A medal for being boring.
A medal for being what everyone else wants you to be.
Nobody else in the world is more frustrating than you.
It felt like the colors outside were too bright.
The air was too thin and not enough was getting in my lungs.
Like my clothes were too heavy.
It was a rough day.
I don’t know.
Maybe I’m just a drama queen.
Maybe I’m making mountains out of mole hills.
Maybe it’s not what it looks like.
Maybe I’m wrong.
I don’t know.
What I do know is that it hurts more than I can explain to him in words.
In the next life, I’ll walk away the first time you make me feel like this.
I’m so excited!
Someone asked me today if I was in love.
I have a boyfriend. We’ve been dating for a year and a half, and to say it hasn’t been easy would be a giant understatement.
We don’t say I love you very often, but I don’t really mind. Personally, it’s hard for me. Not because I don’t love him, I do.
But because in the back of my mind, I just don’t think it will work out.
So it’s hard for me to make promises, to look toward the future, to relax.
There is a lot about my boyfriend I don’t know. It would be similar to picking up a book and starting in the middle.
I know the basic facts.
He moved here halfway through high school. He hated it.
He met a girl and two years later she cheated on him (which would also be a huge understatement)
He struggled.
He met me.
I think he’s still struggling. But I can’t bring myself to give up on him.
There was two instances though, where I was so broken down and tired that I thought I couldn’t do it anymore.
Instance one.
“I guess the reason I really struggle with us is because you remind so much of (insert name) when we were dating.”
I will not be someone’s replacement.
Instance two.
“I’m hoping if I walk out the door, you’ll chase after me and fight for me to stay.”
“You know I’m much to practical for that.”
I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me when he said that.
So sorry I’ve been gone so long!
But I’m back, and making new posts and stuff.
I’m sad to say I lost about half my followers this summer.
Come back!
